I found this on www.something-fishy.org. Pretty cool

If You Really Knew Me, You'd Know That...

1. I desperately want to be accepted
2. I am afraid of not winning this battle
3. Just now I am figuring out who I am
4. I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving
5. I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do
6. I am starting to become comfortable with the idea that I am ordinary and that there's nothing wrong with that
7. My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems
8. Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard
9. Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep
10. I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel
11. I am terrified of not being a good enough mother
12. At the start of the next day, before I even brush my teeth, I ask God to help me stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me
13. I'm deathly afraid of growing up and dealing with all the things a grown-up must think about, even though I'm technically an adult
14. There are so many things I wish I could say
15. Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to
16. I cry when you hug me because of the emptiness and pain I know I'll feel when you finally do let me go
17. I am so incredibly mean to myself. I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself
18. What I want right now more than anything is love from myself. If I had more self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all cease
19. I sometimes need your help, but I'm not sure how to tell you this
20. I really do care about you, more than you could even imagine
21. I cry when no one is around
22. I am an emotional and sexual abuse survivor. I am on a healing mission to make sure I stop the cycle of abuse and never pass on what happened to me to someone else. I think that that makes me pretty unique and remarkable
23. I'm head-over-heels in love with my daughter and my husband
24. I hold back from full recovery because I hang on to anorexia as an excuse to not chase after my real goals
25. I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking it
26. I felt too ashamed, too dirty, too embarrassed and too scared to tell you that I couldn't cope without hurting myself
27. I have a very difficult time seeing myself as a girl/woman/anything feminine
28. I want to make a difference in the world
29. I am unable to see my potential right now but it helps me to hear you when you tell me it's there
30. I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes
31. As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head
32. I blame myself for being raped
33. I am at a crossroads. For thirty-four years I have tried to be someone else. I have sweat, cried, screamed my way out of my skin
34. My family is more dysfunctional than I like to admit
35. When I laughingly say I don't want to grow up, I'm not joking. I really am terrified
36. I believe that everyone's flaws should be accepted and forgiven except for mine
37. My love for my son overwhelms me
38. I am honorable
39. I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I am being intimate with my boyfriend
40. I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head
41. I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world
42. I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences
43. I'm scared to leave the student world and enter the real world alone
44. I miss my parents like mad
45. I feel there's an empty hole in me
46. Some days I feel like the old me & it feels so liberating
47. More than anything I long for a mother who loves me and listens to me and to go home and feel safe
48. I feel guilty about all the pain I feel
49. I hate, absolutely hate, feeling vulnerable and I will do almost anything to avoid it
50. I feel nothing most of the time and I wait to see your reactions before I know how to respond/reply/react myself
51. I am really sensitive although I appear unfeeling
52. I'll lie to everybody to keep them from being hurt or from hurting them
53. I feel like a complete failure as a mother
54. What I want most is to just hear that I am ok just the way I am even if my natural state isn't common, normal or cool
55. I worship the ground my big sister walks on and she doesn't even know it. I compare myself to everything she does
56. What you said/did hurts
57. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an alien and that I don't belong in this time because my outlook feels so foreign
58. I don't like myself right now and I need support, but then when I get that support, I'm scared to let go of it again, scared that I'll lose it
59. I still sleep with a stuffed animal
60. No one could berate me more than I do myself
61. I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of
62. I am a scared little girl searching for a daddy to love her
63. Without this mask I don't really know who I am
64. I'm not trusting of anyone
65. I simultaneously crave both fitting in and standing out. I feel like a failure when I'm different, and I feel like a failure when I blend
66. The ED was the only constant in my life, the only thing which felt unchanging regardless of what external events happened. The ED was the only guarantee, the only certainty, the only thing loyal to me throughout everything that came my way
67. I wish that I didn't hate myself but at the same time, I don't know how it would feel to like myself
68. I am so afraid of being in an intimate relationship with a man, and I fear I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life
69. I'm afraid I won't be a good mom
70. I wear my weight like an armor
71. The bigger my smile, the larger my pain
72. I use my body to convey what my words cannot
73. I always feel like a burden but usually I hide that
74. I don't want you to give up on me
75. I have big dreams and wish that I believed enough to make them become a reality
76. I don't even know myself
77. I want to love my father, but I cannot figure out how
78. For years, I longed for someone to know my secret, in the hope they'd stop the pain and stop me from hurting because I didn't care enough about myself to stop myself
79. When I do something stupid, and remember it later, the "me" in the memory always looks fat and ugly
80. I have no confidence in myself or my abilities
81. I struggle to believe in myself at times and fear being hurt by criticism but I am courageous and don't shrink back from those things I am gifted at
82. I will not show that I am mad at you. In fact, I probably won't even feel mad at you, unless someone else reassures me that it IS something to be mad about
83. I want to find something that will make my parents proud of me
84. I don't really give a rat's ass about how I look. I only talk about it so much as a way of verbalizing all the fears inside me that I don't know how to identify
85. I love you even when you don't think I do
86. I pray that I will still be able to have children someday
87. I'm so, so sorry for all the times I lied to you
88. I am scared shitless because I don't know what to do with my life and I cannot cope without direction
89. I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show you just how serious and deep I can be
90. I need help believing in myself
91. I am holding on to my faith and my belief in God
92. I don't know who I am or what I'm all about
93. I don't feel that I deserve your unconditional love
94. Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment
95. I won't ever measure up to "you"
96. I harbor an immense amount of guilt over my actions and this prevents me from telling you, as I don't want you to shoulder my pain and my burden, or know my shameful secret for what it is
97. I am really afraid that I could really exceed beyond my wildest dreams. But I have never let myself try, because what if I succeed then fail miserably
98. I'm scared that this will kill me

I have recently found this song and have fallen in love with it. Its by the Barlow Girls:

"Mirror"

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won't define me
Sorry you don't own me

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, I won't try

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me

You don't define me, you don't define me

Those songs you play over and over.

This is a song that really speaks to me in my life right now. I keep playing it over and over.

Jennifer Knapp
Martyrs & Thieves
There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
It presses harsh hope against time
In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves
Who only want to rob you blind
They steal away any sense of peace
Though I'm a king I'm a king on my knees
And I know they are wrong when they say I am strong
As the darkness covers me

Chorus-

So turn on the light and reveal all the glory
I am not afraid
To bare all my weakness knowing in meekness
I have a kingdom to gain
Where there is peace and love in the light, in the light
Oh I am not afraid
To let Your light shine bright in my life, in my life
Oh I... am, I...

There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul
Than I thought I had given away
They linger in closets and under my bed
And in pictures less proudly displayed
A great fool in my life I have been
Have squandered till pallid and thin
Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame
For the darkness I know I've let win

(Chorus)

Can you hear me? (repeat 6x)

Well I've never been much for the baring of soul
In the presence of any man
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
In the arms of a sinner I am
Could it be that my worth should depend
By the crimson stained grace on a hand
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in Your will
To reveal all of You that I can

(Chorus)

There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
It presses harsh hope against time...

Francis of Assisi once wrote, "Preach the gospel, if necessary, use words." I love that quote because it really takes the pressure off. Just thought I would share a favorite quote!

Cool verses

During my devotions this morning, I read this passage. I love it when God seemingly gives a little sass when to corrects us.
Isaiah 40:21-31
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood since the earth was founded? He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in. He brings princes to naught and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing. No sooner are they planted, no sooner are they sown, no sooner do they take root in the ground, than he blows on them and they wither, and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff. 'To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?' says the Holy One. Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, 'My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God'? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

This is forward I received in an email. I love it!!!


To all you wonderful "invisible" women...

I'm invisible.

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, theway one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone andask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm onthe phone?" Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, orcooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in thecorner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible.Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Canyou tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'mnot even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm asatellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm acar to order, "Right around 5:30, please."

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and theeyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude -but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seenagain. She's going ... she's going... she's gone!
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of afriend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip,and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sittingthere, looking around at the others all put together so well. It washard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at myout-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean.My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I couldactually smell peanut butter in it.

I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with abeautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this." It was abook on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'dgiven it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte, withadmiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I woulddiscover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, afterwhich I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record oftheir names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never seefinished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes ofGod saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit thecathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tinybird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why areyou spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will becovered by the roof? No one will ever see it."And the workman replied, "Because God sees."
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It wasalmost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I seethe sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. Noact of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you'vebaked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building agreat cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not adisease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of myown self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. Asone of the people who show up at a job that they will never seefinished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals couldever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree. When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friendhe's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes aturkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." Thatwould mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want himto want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to hisfriend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we'redoing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world willmarvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has beenadded to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

dirty socks

My youngest daughter Kendra came downstairs tonight to give me a kiss good night. When she came down, she brought some dirty socks her sister had worn that day. I told her to come here and give me some sugar and she threw the socks down and came running to me. About 15 minutes after she left, the socks were still in the same place on the floor. I had to run and go get the camera. I took a picture of the socks and set the background of my desktop to the picture of the dirty sock. Why do something so seemingly crazy? Because one day, these itty bitty socks will be a memory. My children will have moved out of the house and on with their lives. I can’t take this time for granted, for even a moment. Those dirty socks are precious. They represent this time in my life. I can’t waste it. I need to be present in every moment. I don’t want to look back and regret that I wasn’t present enough with my children.